Saturday, August 12, 2017

She Should Be Here

She should be here. Six is knocking me on my ass. The first year anniversary was solid sadness, I didn't want to start a year of existence without her. 2, 3, 4 and 5 I was resigned. Still sad, I still miss her like crazy, but you do get used to it in a way. I don't even really miss her more on her birthday or the anniversary of her death than I do on any other day but it's different. I miss her in strange moments; when someone tells a great story and I know how much she'd like it. And that three days later I'd hear her re-telling it only it would suddenly be her story. When I do something stupid and I know she's  the one person who would call me on it. I miss her desperately when I realize no matter how hard Aidan and I try the girls are forgetting her in slivers. For them the forgetting is soft and fluid for me it's jagged and sharp, it pierces my heart every time  I say something about her and realize the blank look in their eyes. I can't stand the thought of them not remembering her like Erin and Aidan and I do. She should be here.
For some reason, six seems especially cruel. She should be 70. She should be causing trouble and smoking pot and drinking with her friends. She should be blasting music and buying useless gadgets off of late night tv and saying inappropriate things in public.
She should be here, literally here, in the Wisconsin Dells camping with a totally insane group of my friends some of which she loved already and some that she would love if she met.  This weekend has been a fantastic distraction but I woke up this morning with a larger than normal Cheli shaped hole in my heart and I'm struggling to get it together, I hope tomorrow is better.
What I need is to get on the back of someone's bike and drive about 90MPH around curves and over hills so I can remember her and forget her at the same time. She's always more with me when I'm doing things we both loved to do and I'd really like to see her today. My life long live of motorcycles is from her. I wish Ron was here to drive me around on his listening to music she lives while forgetting and remembering at the same time. At some point today I'm going to find someone who can roll a joint even half as good as my mom could and I'm going to sit and get high and think about the 45,897 amazing things about her and also the 5,647 annoying, hurtful things she could do to me and be sorry for a second letter, because that is being a parent  and all those things made her who she was.
She should be here.
So now I'm going to quit crying, get up off of my knees and have an amazing day because it's what I need and what she would want. And as I finish writing this, Into The Mystic has come on and........ She should be here.


RSchweigs said...

I wish I was there on my bike, too, listening to her music, which has become your's and mine. I first heard the Rumours album in your living room, when you were young....

Kris Harper-Kaminski said...

I love you, this year is super hard. I hope you feel her alk around you.

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