Sunday, April 26, 2015

Oxygen Mask

Gentleness.  We are naturally gentle when we pick up things that are smaller than ourselves, things we perceive as weaker than ourselves.  If we pick up a baby chick, or a baby, we are gentle.  Why are we not more gentle with ourselves?  It sounds a little corny, but it is true.  It’s not possible to love others fully if you do not love yourself. I am no expert but I imagine that extends to everyone; your family, your friends, your partner.  I’ve spent much of the last three and a half years thinking about how to be enough for everyone in my life. And here’s the thing; it is not possible.  At the end of the day there is this, you must be enough for yourself; nothing more, nothing less.  When you are enough for yourself, you can take care of those you love, you can allow yourself to be loved in return.

I love to fly.  I find flying exhilarating; it appeals to the risk taker in me.  Which is to say, I am not really a risk taker at all, flying, after all, is safer than driving, but I digress.  Like everyone, I tune out when the flight attendant begins her speech telling me things I already know….except, the last time I flew I found myself listening.  

In the event of a decompression, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you. To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally. Although the bag does not inflate, oxygen is flowing to the mask. If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person.

It’s an important message. Basically, it boils down to, if you don’t help yourself first you will be ill prepared to help the people you love most.  Isn’t that all we want?  To help those we love most?  I was armed with a list of what I wanted, it wasn’t big but it was everything.  1) I want to help the people I love.  2) I want to love myself; I want to enjoy myself. 3) I want to be open to the possibility of …..possibility.   

So began my journey.

My mom died…
In the event of a decompression…

My marriage unraveled and I decided to save myself…
an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you.

I crawled out from under the wreckage and stood up…
To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you.

I began to believe in myself again.  I trusted myself, I was gentle with myself, I gave myself some slack.  It was not easy; it was necessary…
Place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally.

I remembered how much I used to like myself.  I remembered my value, I learned my own worth…
Although the bag does not inflate, oxygen is flowing to the mask.

I am in a place now where I can be what my children need me to be….
If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person.

I don’t do small.  My personality is big, my heartbreaks are big, my triumphs are big, my loyalty is big, my love is big.  It’s really big, sometimes it is too big for people, it scares them.  Sometimes it scares me.  Being brave isn’t not being afraid, it’s being afraid and moving forward anyway. I’m brave.  I own it, it’s an integral part of who I am.  It’s been a journey to realize that big is okay.  I used to feel bad that I was too much.  Someone recently told me,  “A lot can be a good thing”.  I am a lot.  You don’t have to like me, you don’t have to love me.  I do.  I’ve worked hard,  I’m taking this moment and owning it.  I am me.  I am exactly enough.  I am open to possibility; I’m wearing my oxygen mask, now I can help you with yours.

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow girl, love this, love you! Great analogy. Stay "big"...deb

 
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