Olivia Rose is my difficult child. I could pretend that it's not true, but it is. People who tell you they love all their kids the same are either lying or they're doing it wrong. I love all my kids but I love them differently; they're different people. It's okay if Liv reads this tomorrow or in 10 years or in her therapist's office in 15 years when she starts to figure out all the ways in which I've screwed her up. And it's okay because Olivia knows how much I love her and I know how much she loves me....and we both know she's the difficult child. She is also the joyful child and the mischievous child and the magical child. And yet, for me, she's the difficult one. It doesn't even imply fault on her part; I'm sure it's me....I let her push my buttons. Olivia is a very gifted button pusher.
My childhood was magical...single mom, no money, she worked a ton of hours and yes, it was magical. My mom did magic on a budget...but more importantly she did it on a short temper. My childhood mornings were not magic. They were a nightmare. My mom screamed from the moment one of us woke up until we left her for the babysitter or school or the side of the road where she often left us (kidding).
I work extremely hard, really, really hard to not have the mornings of my childhood. And honestly, my kids have probably seen me lose my shit a handful of times in their lives. I keep it under wraps. And you know what? I thought my mom was a crazy person and I didn't understand her need to torture Erin and I every day. Now I know that kids are a fucking pain in the ass.....we were torturing her, she was just trying to get the hell to work where little kids would leave her alone so she could make just enough money not to live in a cardboard box.
Right. So this morning was tough. Our mornings are complicated. Aidan starts at 7:30 and the girls not until 9am so we leave the house at 7:00, drop him off and head to my friend Jesica's house. Jesica has a 5 year old and three nineteen month olds. Her life is very boring so she has us over 4 mornings a week to liven things up. Don't go back.... I said 3 NINETEEN MONTH OLD TODDLERS...and a 5 year old because those people are easy to deal with! This morning Olivia had a melt down. I was going to tell you the hilarious story of what happened leading up to the melt down and why she had it....except I can't remember at all what it was about. It resulted in me yelling at her which truly happens very rarely, when she got out of the car she had tears in her eyes which bothered me; I remember how that felt.
I had a perfectly good day after I dropped off my crying child at school. Until I took my unchargeable iPod to the Apple store only to find out it would cost $189 to fix and $200 to replace and....I can't afford tampons right now so I have no iPod. Which, may not seem like a big deal to you but my iPod is what keeps me from killing sprees so it may be more important to you that you originally thought! And here's the thing....I don't let my daughters touch it because they lost my first iPod and the day this one quit charging was the first time I've let them touch it and now it's broken forever...so I was pretty pissed when I walked in tonight. Plus I burst into crazy lady tears at the Apple store prompting the lady to ask if my kids had something else to play on besides the iPod to which I replied, "I don't care about my kids, this is my iPod!" (Author's note: I can't sleep without my iPod and I'm going on about two weeks of near total sleeplessness, I'm really tired and I care about my kids but come on, they all have Kindle Fires and I had my God damned iPod)
I literally cried all the way home...the ugly sobby cry...I think I may be getting my period,
fuck yay! I walk in the door and Livi gives me a gift bag with her favorite stuffed tiger inside it and an apology card. It reads:
Sorry how I behaved this morning. You understand I was just having a bad day :( and I was tired. I love you so much. Do you forgive me? Yes or No?
Um.....YES, I forgive you, you sweet little thing! I love that she didn't ask if I understood....she knew I understood! She may be a grand champion button pusher but she is also a really good ass kisser and that is just what I needed this evening. I am never going to be the mother of the year, sometimes I struggle to just get through the day, but my kids absolutely adore me and it isn't because I'm a push over or easy on them...it's because I accept them for who they are; good, bad and ugly. With me is where they can be exactly who they are and know that who they are is exactly enough. They know they can have occasional meltdowns and we figure out a way to do better next time. Tomorrow is another day, thank God.