Sunday, August 14, 2011

Rest In Peace, Mom

Yesterday at 1:25am my Mom died.  My Mom diedMy Mom died.  I've said that at least 150 times in the last 24 hours and it still does not feel real.  I can't say "passed" because it makes me think of kidney stones and poop.  Every time someone says it to me I have to concentrate on not cringing.

When I woke up this morning I thought, well, that's it, now the clock starts counting back down.  Every day that will happen from here on out is a day without my mom.  I remember feeling that when I was 16 and my Grandma died.  I hit 32 and every day after that was one more day of my life that was longer without her than with her.  Every day after I am 80 years old, 5 months and 6 days will be a day longer without my Mom than with her.  That sucks.  But it's true and it's not.  My mom is fully entrenched in nearly every thought I have, and that's not because she's dead, we've always had a very enmeshed relationship.  It was complicated and probably a little messed up but it was what it was and I wouldn't change it now.  She is with me always.

In February my Mom moved in with us, it was a move that turned out to be more of a blessing that I ever thought.  One of the complications of combining two households is what to do with all of the "stuff".  One of the things my Mom insisted on bringing was a framed copy of a poem I wrote for her on May 11, 1996; if I remember correctly it was an inexpensive, but heart-felt gift; this is it:

From you I have learned
that a woman can be a mother,
a father, a banker....
a friend.

I have learned that pointy feet
must be earned,
and staying on your toes is not only taught
in ballet class.

From you I have learned
that grief fades in time,
that strength can be found in heartache
and that sanity is found in laughter.

I have learned
that laughing at yourself
can keep you from crying,
and that sit-coms are good for the soul.

From you I have learned
that the war is more important than the battle,
that grace is a gift
and that courage can be worn like a medal.
I have learned that keeping your chin up
lets you see where you're going
and music helps you remember
where you have been...

From you I have learned
that love is not a simple thing,
that it grows and changes
and takes on different forms,
I have learned that somehow you always know
which kind I need.

And that's just what she taught me in my first 25 years.  My Mom was a force of nature and the world is a darker place without her.  My hope is that my Mom has found peace and that the strength I've learned from her will get me through the coming days.

2 comments:

Lisa said...

I'm sorry, Kris.

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

So sorry for your loss...that poem is amazing.

 
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