Sunday, August 14, 2011

Rest In Peace, Mom

Yesterday at 1:25am my Mom died.  My Mom diedMy Mom died.  I've said that at least 150 times in the last 24 hours and it still does not feel real.  I can't say "passed" because it makes me think of kidney stones and poop.  Every time someone says it to me I have to concentrate on not cringing.

When I woke up this morning I thought, well, that's it, now the clock starts counting back down.  Every day that will happen from here on out is a day without my mom.  I remember feeling that when I was 16 and my Grandma died.  I hit 32 and every day after that was one more day of my life that was longer without her than with her.  Every day after I am 80 years old, 5 months and 6 days will be a day longer without my Mom than with her.  That sucks.  But it's true and it's not.  My mom is fully entrenched in nearly every thought I have, and that's not because she's dead, we've always had a very enmeshed relationship.  It was complicated and probably a little messed up but it was what it was and I wouldn't change it now.  She is with me always.

In February my Mom moved in with us, it was a move that turned out to be more of a blessing that I ever thought.  One of the complications of combining two households is what to do with all of the "stuff".  One of the things my Mom insisted on bringing was a framed copy of a poem I wrote for her on May 11, 1996; if I remember correctly it was an inexpensive, but heart-felt gift; this is it:

From you I have learned
that a woman can be a mother,
a father, a banker....
a friend.

I have learned that pointy feet
must be earned,
and staying on your toes is not only taught
in ballet class.

From you I have learned
that grief fades in time,
that strength can be found in heartache
and that sanity is found in laughter.

I have learned
that laughing at yourself
can keep you from crying,
and that sit-coms are good for the soul.

From you I have learned
that the war is more important than the battle,
that grace is a gift
and that courage can be worn like a medal.
I have learned that keeping your chin up
lets you see where you're going
and music helps you remember
where you have been...

From you I have learned
that love is not a simple thing,
that it grows and changes
and takes on different forms,
I have learned that somehow you always know
which kind I need.

And that's just what she taught me in my first 25 years.  My Mom was a force of nature and the world is a darker place without her.  My hope is that my Mom has found peace and that the strength I've learned from her will get me through the coming days.


Lisa said...

I'm sorry, Kris.

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

So sorry for your loss...that poem is amazing.

blog design by