Sunday, October 10, 2010

If You've Ever Peed In a Room of Your House That Did NOT Have A Toilet, This One Is For You!

Dan and I spent the morning crawling around the kitchen to find a horrible odor. It is not the first time we've done this. It's a little something we call the Rescue Hero Maneuver. I know, the name evokes something slightly more heroic than sniffing out nastiness.

When Aidan was four we lived in a little apartment in Roselle. One day we came home to a foul smelling odor. A week later we were still looking for it; we'd crawl around trying to locate the smell and after a while we had narrowed it down to Aidan's room but we still didn't know what it was. Over the week it grew more and more nasty until we were truly afraid to find the source.

The reason we were crawling around was that it seemed to be coming from the floor but we couldn't find an area on the carpet that seemed to have a concentration of the odor and was bad. None of the three of us even wanted to come home, we invented excuses to stay out of the apartment.

One night Dan and I were crawling around after Aidan had gone to bed and Dan was like "Oh my God, I found it! I found it! Oh my's AWFUL". And it truly was. Aidan had The Rescue Hero aircraft carrier toy, it was about three feet long and maybe two, two and a half feet tall and it had a little lip running around the deck of the ship. Our four year old had sleep-peed on it. Sleep-peed. Seriously, he was sleep walking and he peed, in his room, on the Rescue Hero Aircraft Carrier.

While Dan went to do what any sane person would do and go get a towel to soak up the disgusting, smelly, film-covered pee, I did what any insane person would do and I picked up the aircraft carrier to take it to the tub and dump it.

You see where this is going, right? Because I didn't, not then.

So, of course, I couldn't keep something three feet long perfectly balanced down a skinny hallway and into the bathroom. Duh. So instead of making it into the bathtub, it made it onto my shirt, my pants, my bare feet and my carpet.

Nine years and several spoiled bags of potatoes later (don't even get me started about what THOSE smell like) it is now known as the Rescue Hero Maneuver. Today's maneuver involved the entire Kaminski family. We went to bed last night with the pleasing aroma of steak and garlic permeating our home. We woke up to what seemed like the very specific smell of dog pooh. As it turned out, I wish it had been. The maneuver had all of us searching high and low and each of us casting unfriendly glances at our poor pooch, Stitchy. It seemed like it might be coming from under the fridge, we took it apart, vacuumed under it, expected to find a dead mouse (or a dead moose) but no such luck. After we decided to give it a rest for a while, Dan opened our pantry doors and we literally were blasted with a wall of foulness.

Well, it can't be food, I don't put perishables in the pantry, I'm not an idiot! No dead animals, well, that's not entirely true. I bought this (or what I thought was this) vacuum packed package of crab like three weeks ago. I've bought them before, they didn't require refrigeration; they're great for crab cakes. Well this one...this one was BLOATED. Seriously, like a Mylar balloon. All it needed was a piece of ribbon and some Mickey Mouse ears. In big letters across the front it said, "KEEP REFRIGERATED". Oops. My bad, turns out I do put perishables in the pantry. Turns out, someone owes Stitchy an apology.


Nicki said...

Those stories were hilarious! I guess you learn something new every day, huh?

cat said...

Oh gosh, I think we all have a few of these stories, but yours is just told so well!

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