A couple of months ago I had a little bit of an insight into myself that I’d never really thought of before. Two of my friends are a couple; they are just about the right age to be my parents and I really like them both a lot. But for some reason I’ve developed this strange crush on let’s call him “Joe”. It’s not a “hey I think your hot and want to ditch my husband crush” which I’ve actually never had, but am pretty sure I’d recognize. It’s more like an “it occurs to me I didn’t really have a dad and you’d be a really good one crush” and so I find myself working through some daddy issues. So far I've been able to keep myself from stalking Joe, but just barely. I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t have a fantastic and somewhat complicated mother I’d be working my mommy issues out on Joe’s wife, let’s call her “Cindy”.
Now, it’s not that I was totally unaware that I had daddy issues but most of them seemed to come up years ago when I was between the ages of 4 and 28 (give or take a couple of years) and before I found myself in love with and married to a dad who is present; and was doing the usual things to attract male attention. Things like chasing boys to see their underwear, doing cartwheels to attract attention, stalking, holding up signs at parties that say “Look at me! Look at me! Oh God, someone please love me, I'll do anything!” and drinking beer from bottles lodged in my cleavage; you know all of the normal things you do to find a nice man. Nothing out of the ordinary, all resulting in the obvious; a string of wildly inappropriate men.
So while I’m working through this daddy crush I’ve got going on, it occurs to me that neither of my daughters is boy crazy, something I’d assumed to be largely hereditary. I love that my girls don’t care about male attention. I cannot explain to you how happy it makes me that they couldn’t give a crap. Their best friend, Mason, is a boy and he’s just their best friend, not cute, not their “boyfriend”; just their friend. They talk about how funny people are or how nice, not how cute they are. It’s somewhat by design, we talk a lot about people’s personalities and try not to focus on the physical.
It hit me that they're not boy crazy because the already have the male attention they need; Dan and Aidan. It was such a relief to a) take a moment to realize how lucky and blessed Grace and Olivia are to have a dad and b) to realize that all of my crazy boy related behaviors had some sort of reason, I was looking for what was missing. I’ve spent time talking to Dan about how great this all is and how good it makes me feel as both a parent and as a fatherless child…and here is where I have to stop typing and go drink a martini because I become panicky and my heart rate accelerates when I think about what happened when we went to school on Monday..
….to be continued…