Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A Stolen Cake Pan, a Therapy Appointment and a Birth Control Lecture

So to get to you and hammer out this quick entry I just had to walk over 7 decorative pillows and the love seat cushions strewn about my office floor. The room where kids aren't supposed to play. Here's how today has gone. We were supposed to go to ABC story time at 10am at the library, I scratched that when I saw how utterly deviant my kids were going to be today. This is when my brother calls and offers to baby sit later while I do some running around. I'm actually going to therapy, really. I sent them to play in the play room; YOU KNOW, THE ROOM THAT IS SPECIFICALLY NAMED FOR THE PURPOSE FOR WHICH IT IS INTENDED and I started to clean my refrigerator in an effort to avoid cleaning the rest of the really messy kitchen. Fast forward 10 minutes and Gracie appears looking for a spoon. "Why do you need a spoon?" I ask, "You aren't allowed to eat down there." She says, "oh no, we're playing with our fake food in our fake kitchen" I say, "Gracie, you are not playing with any water are you?" because at this point the little hairs on the back of my neck are starting to stand up and she says, innocent as can be, "no, Mommy, we're not playing with water, we're playing with fake food in our fake kitchen." And how stupid am I? I believe her.

What she was really doing was filling a 14" stolen cake pan with water and spilling it all over my front room/office newly refinished floors. I put her in her room, mostly as a time out for me. I've been alone since Saturday; I'm at the end of my rope. She came out 11 times. Seriously, this isn't an exaggeration or an estimate, I counted. On time 11 I picked her up in a manner that I pick her up in during play all the time. While we were nose to nose, her crying, me screaming it felt decidedly un-playful. I had to concentrate to sit her gently on the bed and I walked away; to her credit she stayed in her room that time. Ten minutes later we had a long talk about lying and yelling and we decided that both of us probably deserved a time out.

Then I mop the kitchen floor and tell them to leave the mop/bucket alone while the floor dries. You see where this is going, right? Because I didn't. Seriously, I'm so off my game this week it's like a bad joke. I have a sitcom and no paycheck, grievously unfair. So now I realize we're going to be late for high school. The girls are joining my 16 year old neighbor, Minmae, in her child development class three days this week. Apparently she's learning something, they're having fun and I can breathe for an hour and 20 minutes. I go to walk in what should be a dry kitchen and.....shockingly the bucket has been mostly dumped on the floor. I left it. I went to Batavia High School to drop them off. As we are walking down a hallway full of teenaged girls all going, "oh they're so cute", "oh I want one" and I am so barely restraining myself from giving them all a lecture on birth control. People, I am 38; you would die if I gave you this job. DO NOT HAVE SEX. EVER. THIS COULD BE YOU. I told Minmae she was in for a rough afternoon. She just smiled and said she's just observing today. Ha Ha teenagers, good luck. 


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