Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Lines of Communication

Anyone who knows me knows that my house is in a constant state of construction of some sort or another. You never know, you might come home from a weekend in Minneapolis to find a perfectly lovely staircase moved forward 9 ¾ inches (this really happened). It is what happens when you marry someone who has a little known disorder  WBAHAICSD (We Bought A House And I Can’t Sit Down). The divorce rate for this disorder is staggering. It’s a terrible spectrum disorder; on the other end is IOAHACBBTGOMA (I Own A House And Can’t Be Bothered To Get Off My Ass), which is a much more common disorder according to my friends. Many of their husbands have it. It is a toss up which is worse. There is no treatment and since Dan quit drinking 6 months ago there doesn’t seem to even be a way to repress it for short periods of time. Some amount of relief can be found by administering copious amounts of alcohol to the spouse of the affected party…I’m just saying.

Sadly, one of the side effects of this disorder happens to the children of the affected. It’s always more tragic when it strikes the children. In normal homes where no one has WBAHAICSD children know that when you want to speak to someone in another part of the house you have to either a) go find them or, b) yell really loud until they come find you. In a home where one or both parents are stricken with WBAHAICSD children think you are supposed to communicate through heating ducts because that’s what their Daddy does when HE CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO COME UPSTAIRS AND TALK IN PERSON. Here is a conversation overheard just this afternoon in one of my bathrooms:

Grace (to the heating duct): “Wiv, Wiv, WIVIA?” Olivia (from the heating duct): “What Gracie?” Grace: “Wiv, go tell Mom I have pooh on my butt.” Olivia (from the heating duct): “Okay” we hear the sounds of her running away. Grace: “Wiv, wait, WIVIA WAIT, COME BACK!” Olivia (from the heating duct): “Yes Grace?” Grace: “Wiv? I love you. OH…DO NOT come in the brown bathroom, I NEED PRIVACY”.

On the upside, check out the pictures of my very fancy bar/family room. Seriously, less that $1100 has been spent on all of the framing, insulating, plumbing, drywall and custom wood work that Handy Danny has been doing in his down time. The man is an artist; when I say he is good with his hands, I totally mean it both ways! My house is about 3000 square feet without the basement and when he’s done with the basement he will have added an additional 2000 square feet which will include a playroom, family room, bar, entertainment center, a half bath, a full bath, two bedrooms, an office and a dug out porch with French doors. Ty Pennington wishes his AD/HD was as productive as Dan’s WBAHAICSD! He does side jobs, you should call him!


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