You know how some people write those letters at Christmas? You know, the ones that tell you all of the fabulous stuff that is going on in their lives. While I sort of enjoy them, I definitely don’t believe them. I think all of us gloss over the mundane and the heartbreaking because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve always thought that if I did one I would make it wholly irreverent but I’m pissed off now about how the economy sucks and no one is building anything for Dan to plumb so you’re getting the letter based wholly on reality because I can barely get out of bed in the morning. We didn’t do cards this year and I’d like to tell you it’s because I’m going green but really it’s because we are painfully broke. PAINFULLY. You would have figured it out on your own by the end of the letter but this blog is my therapy. There it is; WE ARE PAINFULLY BROKE (here’s where I insert that there IS a “donations” button on the top right of this page). A couple of days from now, after I get this one off my chest, I’ll write one that doesn’t make you horribly uncomfortable. Here is our letter:
Dear Friends and Family:
Well this year Dan and I got to spend a lot of quality time together. We accomplished this when Dan got laid off in October of 2008 and only got to go back to work for about 8 weeks in the spring; we can barely stand to be apart. Dan has been watching his weight; he is doing this by somehow pulling our mortgage payment out of his ass every month. Unemployment is less than our mortgage and side jobs are slim; I do NOT know how he is doing it; as a result I am over-eating but will probably be able to loose the extra weight next year when we have to move to a box in my neighbor’s yard. We have had a lot of time to work together on our parenting skills; it used to be that the kids came to me when they needed something because Dan had to leave at 4am and didn’t usually get home until 6pm or so. Well now, they ask me in one room and then go into the next room and ask their Dad and get a totally different answer. I think our therapist is almost done saving for that trip to Hawaii which is good because we loose our union health insurance in February.
We’ve always hoped to have some letters behind our kids’ names; PhD, RN, etc. Well we got some letters this year; Aidan was diagnosed with inattentive AD/HD and I’m guessing we have at least one hyperactive AD/HD diagnosis in our future. Olivia is working daily on her negotiating skills. Yesterday when I told her she could not, in fact, have another chocolate chip cookie she slammed her bedroom door so hard that an 11x14 inch picture jumped off the wall and shattered in some dangerous looking shards at her sisters feet. We are big fans of extra curricular activities and I think I may see some anger management classes in her future. Gracie lives by the rule of “cut off your nose to spite your face” when she makes a bad decision she just follows it through until the bitter, bitter end. She will make someone a fine first wife someday. I’d tell you something charming about Aidan but we’re so busy chasing the other two around we can’t really pay him much attention.
We’ve spent most of our free time working on the house. You see, when Dan was working he was a little bit of a building material hoarder and now he’s using everything he bought that I yelled at him about to make our basement beautiful. I’m sure the next owners will appreciate it; even if they are our mortgage company.
We hope this Holiday letter finds you gainfully employed and financially sound.
Sincerely, The Kaminski Family