Sunday, December 13, 2009

Happy Birthday and Yippie Ki Yay!


So…..I made it. Three years and about 7 months ago I made a deal with myself and with my tiny, bald babies. If the three of us could make it to their fourth birthday, we’d be okay. It’s been a long haul; for all of us. There have been crazy highs and extraordinary lows but here we are! Four years ago today my daughters were born. It was an ordinary day (if you consider anything ordinary about making, growing and warehousing two people inside of your body) and I was at Delnor for my every other fricking day baby heart monitoring. I’d go in, they’d make me wait for an open spot and then they’d monitor the girls’ heart rates. I spent a lot of mornings with Oprah at Delnor Hospital. On this particular morning my blood pressure had shot up dangerously high and they wanted to induce me and have me deliver at Delnor. Delnor is a lovely hospital but at the time they were not equipped to deal with preemies in the way that CDH was. If there was a problem with the girls they would be sent to Rockford and I would be stuck in St. Charles. My doctor did not want me to deliver there. So, they made me call for a ride and 6 hours and one tragically broken Jamocha shake machine at Arby’s later, I was at Central DuPage Hospital.

It was a really long day. I didn’t wake up expecting to go to bed that night with the girls on the outside! I still was in denial that I was going to have two babies AT ONE TIME! A couple of weeks before I delivered I saw Dr. Amanda Borre, a chiropractor in Warrenville, who was able to turn my babies with her funky voodoo. It was short, sweet and covered by insurance! The girls had been sideways and head to foot for my entire pregnancy (picture sideways 69, it’s just easier) and my doctors were pretty certain of a c-section. I was DESPERATELY trying to avoid a c-section. I could barely imagine myself with two babies let alone two babies and a major surgery to recover from. Dr. Borre waved her magic wand and POOF! The babies were both head down! Seriously, I left her office, got in my car to go the OB/GYN and they did some crazy maneuvering and BAM! By the time I got to the next appointment, they were both head down. Take that C-section!

Anyway, fast forward, I’m at the hospital. With twins, they pretty much make you have an epidural, I fought it, I lost. I did convince my doctor to keep it pretty much turned down to nothing, my delivery was easy. The most traumatic part was when this bitch nurse tried to THROW MY MOM OUT OF THE DELIVERY ROOM and Dan had to insist that she was allowed to stay! The girls were born easily and quickly. Grace Lillian was born at 8:52pm and Olivia Rose at 9:07pm, I got a quick look and then they were taken away so the doctors could concentrate on me; then came the bleeding out part. I was somewhat prepared, this had happened with Aidan too. My placenta detaches and my uterus refuses to contract to stop the bleeding. It was more serious with two placentas having detached. They tried to get me to sign a consent for a hysterectomy which I refused. My clearest memory of that time is that I was really glad that Dr. Chhutani turned the epidural up to 10 as soon as the girls were born in anticipation of this problem and how was it that this woman’s ENTIRE ARM was inside me. Seriously, UP TO HER SHOULDER! I have witnesses, Dan and my Mom remember it the same way, and then they made my Mom and Dan leave and that is when I was pretty sure I was going to die. My reasons for not signing the consent form are really lame. All I could think is if they do a hysterectomy I will loose my sex drive. If I loose my sex drive, Dan and I will never make it. Hind sight being 20/20, I’m glad I held out because I did live, and honestly I have an amazing sex drive (TMI?)! But, seriously? How stupid would it be to die because you didn’t want to give up your sex life? I was in that operating room for hours and hours awake and aware and with nothing to think about except what would happen to my kids if I died. If you have kids you know already that by the time they arrive you love them immensely. But when you don’t know them yet (or haven’t even held them yet) it’s not the same as what you feel about the kids you already have. My thoughts about the girls stayed in the vein of “My God, their hair will NEVER be combed, they will be the scary, smelly, dirty tom-boy girls”, my thoughts about Aidan were more personal. I knew him, he was real, solid; a walking, talking, breathing part of my soul. How could he exist in a world where I wasn’t there to look after him? I thought a lot about how much I really love Dan, the real reasons, the one’s nobody knows but me. I thought about my Mom and how she is the person who gets me the most and the person who gets me the least on the planet and then naturally, how would my girls grow to be women without me there to teach them and drive them into therapy?

A hand full of blood transfusions and several hours later, maybe around 2 or 3am I finally got to meet my daughters. They were tiny and amazing and perfect. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was leaving them at the hospital when I went home a few days later.

It’s been a long road from that day to this day and when those girls wake up in a few hours I’m going to lie in my bed with their warm little bodies all curled up to me and thank the Goddess that we’ve made it this far. There were many days when I thought “piece of cake” and a few when I didn’t think we’d make it. Today we’re going to celebrate. ALL DAY. I have been looking forward with hope and no small sense of desperation to this day for FOUR YEARS. We made it, we’re here. Bring on the next set of problems, those I can handle! Today we’re all going to have a piece of cake and thank our lucky stars! Yippe Ki Yay, we made it to FOUR! Happy Birthday Grace Lilly and Livi Rose!

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