Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Stockholm Syndrome, Read This If Your Children Are Driving YOU Crazy!

First, I have to say something totally unrelated to this story!  My 12 year old son, Aidan, loves my blog.  He told me today he's been reading it and he thinks that it's hysterical.  I know it's not for 12 year olds, he has a very advanced sense of humor, the kid is a genius!  He just made my entire year, that kid is so hilarious, you have no idea!  I don't really know his life's aspiration at this point but Aidan will rule the world at some point soon, look out!

Four or so years ago when I started needing to write again, I didn’t have the energy or the time which is really a shame because Grace and Olivia are the fodder for fabulous stories that I’ll never be able to remember. Now I’m going to take some time and tell you some of the stories I do remember. Someday my blog will be Gracie’s and Livi’s baby book.

My house is kind of weird; it started out this little 1950s 1000 sq. ft. one bedroom Cape Cod. At some point they converted the attic into a master suite and about 20 years ago added a 1700 sq. ft. ranch to the back of it. Including the basement it’s about 5100 square feet of ass kicking, back breaking house. We’ve been working on it for six years. I grew up with a single mom who flipped houses to supplement her income; I’ve lived in construction chaos most of my life. Dan has never. To him this was a three year project; to me it was a ten year project. He’s 3 years behind, I’m four years ahead. Anyway, the Cape Cod portion of the house does not yet have central air (tell me about it, it sucks). The kids’ bedrooms are all in the Cape Cod so, for now, they have window units.

The summer before last the girls were one and a half. Crazy one and a half. Hanging from the chandeliers, jumping off the dining room table crazy one and a half. So at one and a half they’re already in a bed because they started climbing out of their cribs right after they started walking at 10 and 11 months. I should mention that my son walked at a year and slept in his crib until he was three. He never tried to climb out of it (seriously, who wants to leave a place you get to sleep?)and, I’m certain, that if I had never gone back that last time to remove him, he’d still be waiting patiently for me to come get him “hey Mom, I’m 12 I think I was supposed to start school”. So, I was not prepared for the mobility of these girls. They were 6 weeks early, just like their brother, but lots tinier and I thought I had tons of time before they ran away. And that’s what they did; they just got up one day and ran away from me.

Okay, okay. They’re one and a half. I’ve just put them down for a nap and I have to run out to my van to get something. I walk past their bedroom window and there is Olivia standing (naked) on the window unit, spread eagle, clutching the window frame with her little fingers and toes (seriously, she uses her toes to hold onto things). By the way, she jumped 2 plus feet from the bed to the air conditioning unit. The kid is an effing spider monkey. So, I run back inside and spank her. It was all I could think to do to convey the danger of the situation. I am spanking your butt so you don’t fall from here and get way more hurt than this (yes, I know, it makes no sense whatsoever). Whatever, they go to sleep and I take my two hours of sanity and run.

The next morning I’m waiting for them to wake up and I hear a scream and a crash through the baby monitor. I go running in and Livi is lying on the ground with a window on top of her tiny body. THE WHOLE WINDOW PANE CAME OUT ON TOP OF HER. There is no blood, no broken glass, no tiny, bare witch feet sticking out from under the fallen air conditioner because nothing broke, no one got hurt and the air conditioner did not fall. I am SO not an over protective mom and let me tell you every time I think about this story I see my beautiful child’s broken and twisted body lying in a pool of blood on the floor. Now do you understand why I am the way I am? I have Stockholm Syndrome, I identify with my captors.


cat said...

Excellent post. I also have freaking monkeys in my house.

Safire said...

Over from your shout out at Multiples and More. My boys are about that age now and DRIVING ME CRAZY too. Thanks for this! I needed it!

Kristyn Harper-Kaminski said...

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Safire, I feel like 2 1/2 was way better than 1 1/2 but look out for the threes!!!! Something to look forward to; I was sure I was going to die!

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