Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Why The Library Doesn't Want Me Back and Introducing French Fry Grandma

So today we go to the library. I will say this, no matter how bad you hear me say my kids are, hands down other people ALWAYS say they are very well behaved. We've signed up for another round of story time at the library with their best friend, Mason. Mason's Mom and I drop them off and then go upstairs for coffee. Well, not so much. The morning started out a little rough with Gracie needing a lot of "love and logic" type choices. "You can get in this door of the van or you can stay here with Daddy, which do you choose?" over and over again until she figures out I'm serious and oh yeah, we're gonna be late now. Then the elevator at the library, temper tantrum because she didn't get the button first. Samantha (that's my neighbor's chosen fake name) and I have gone out of our way to train the three 3 year olds that OF COURSE you have to push EVERY button in the elevator 3 times for it to work! But not this morning! I send Samantha down stairs with her kids and Livi while I try to remove the now hysterically screaming Grace from the formerly VERY quiet library. She wedges her legs into my rib cage which now means I can no longer reach her armpits (where I am holding her from) and she falls in front of 5 librarians and some now upset library patrons from a height of about 3 and a half feet. All while screaming at the top of her very strong little lungs. Then she throws her body at the security pillar and screams "No Mommy, don't touch me" while I drag her body into the vestibule like some sort of bear dragging it's prey back to the den. She's still screaming. We make it to a bench and I try the hold her really tight while giving her her two choices. "Gracie, you've lost the elevator choice but you can decide do you want to go home or would you like to walk down the stairs to story time?" "I WANT TO GO ON THE ELEVATOR" "Sorry Gracie, we can't do that...." "I WANT TO GO ON THE ELEVATOR" etc., etc. On the way out to the van (this is a good 25 minutes after the beginning of the tantrum). "Mommy, can I walk down the stairs to story time now?" and off to story time she goes. Samantha tells me that people in the youth dept. were stunned (and that the echos in the library are REALLY bad)and the librarian was nice enough to tell them that we're there all the time and my kids are very well behaved and that I seem to be something of a normal person, and of course Samantha backs her up and while I'm probably welcome back down stairs in the kids section I'm not sure the people up stairs ever want to see us again! Just another day with the ladies!
On a lighter note, I've always thought that kids who have imaginary friends have been pushed towards them by their parents. Not so much. Gracie and Livi have two lovely Grandmas: Grandma (now regular Grandma, who is SO not regular) and Grammy. Grammy spends nearly every Saturday with the girls, and is their own personal wardrobe pimp. Grandma lets them sleepover and feeds them cupcakes on demand.
French Fry Grandma is way weirder. First of all, she DIES, a lot. But then she comes back over and over again. According to the girls, it's usually FFG's mom who kills her (therapy anyone?). FFG lives in French Fry Chicago and has pink hair and a yellow, white, red and black house. When asked about her name and place of residence Liv says "um, because she loves french fries" as if you are the dumbest person on the planet. She has a french fry hat and tells the girls the opposite of everything I tell them, hmmmm? very strange.
FFG believes that you should swallow your gum to your tummy and that you should not put it in the garbage like Mommy says. She thinks you should NOT eat vegetables and she has some crazy ass pets. One of them is a cow that has "a little bit of apple juice" in one of her nipples (this is spoken at a decibel that normally only dogs can hear). And apparently FFG is already planning their 18th birthday party at her house.
FFG tells them to climb up the banister and to make silly faces ALL the time. FFG takes them to the pirate ship park and her basement has A LOT of toys and a merry go round (but the button on it is broken, not to worry FFG will fix it). I had no idea that two people could imagine the same person! Who knew?


cheli said...

It's me, regular grandma, not grammy and not ffgm. I thought the video was priceless, music, me first and everything! I think you should be a writer but I've always said that. You paint a perfect picture, emotions and all whenever you describe anything. I'd have left G on the side of the road (get it?). I loved the story and don't know how you do it!! Moments ago I was at this exact spot and everything went black. My f'n cord had fallen out again. I should also tell you that I may be the cause of the gum and the banister - it's gum for god sakes and these girls could climb Mt. Everest without ropes!

Kris Harper-Kaminski said...

Thanks, Mom!

blog design by